This month I would like to share with you another poem that has recently come from my heart.
It follows my journey over the years from my 20’s when shit hit the fan to be honest with you. Riddled with hormonal health issues, resentment towards doctors and generally not a healthly state of mind.
A womb is a place of love and nurture
Allowing the possibilities of our future.
A womb is a place where all can grow,
Allowing nature to take flow.
A womb is where the seeds take creation,
Allowing dreams to take foundation.
Disconnection that’s what I get,
Leaving me to fret and fret.
So much confusion, so much rage,
I was trapped inside my own cage.
All around me all I could see,
Was the walls tumbling down, crushing me.
What the hells happening, a fear inside me,
Cos all I wanna do is close my eyes and flee.
All this pain inside of me,
I can hardly breathe.
Oh when will the day arrive,
When all I will do is strive?
Running through a forest so fast I could not see,
The bad person I was becoming to be.
Being a woman it’ easy men say.
I would beg to differ everyday!
God how I hated this body given to me,
It’s amazing how time changes what the mind can believe.
My thoughts were the worst, evil you might say,
Wishing my whole life away.
But that I realised would devastate,
Two beautiful people who are so great,
Wish them be gone, solved it for me,
So I could go guilt free!
Oh my god, “How could you?” I hear you say,
I thought this way every single day.
A one way ticket out of here,
Took away all my fear.
What was wrong with me,
Why couldn’t people see?
I dreamed of a day that cancer or aids would take me,
I’d set myself burden free.
Only that wasn’t meant to be,
Oh what the hell was wrong with me?
Go to the doctors people would say,
If only they knew how I feared that day.
On and on I went,
Acting crazy, feeling spent.
Till the day came when no more,
I just fell to the floor.
“I can’t do this much longer”, I told my dad,
His face looked so sad.
The circle of life that’s how it goes,
Through the ups and downs and all those lows.
Alternative therapies helped temporarily,
I resigned my fate wearily.
One took my trust away,
And now another saved my life that day.
Hormones and me aren’t the best of friends,
Even all the HRT trends.
My body rejected what was given to me,
I was looking for a cure you see.
If it’s broken and you can’t fix it,
Sort it out and just accept it.
Is that harsh and cold of me.
To not think about the mother I could be?
Before you judge me too harshly,
Remember I’d lost hope of living healthily.
Without my health and good state of mind,
What kind of mother do you think I’d be, bare that in mind.
There was a solution that I could see,
That would cure all this rage inside of me.
If you don’t have your health, it’s a dark place to be,
Confusion and rage is no way to be.
I saw a light at the end of the tunnel,
So I grab it with both hands, to leave this eternal struggle.
There he was looking at me,
With all the answers to my prayers annoyingly.
A bloody doctor to save the day,
When I’d wish that they all just went away.
Playing nice was how it had to be,
If I wanted HIM to save me you see.
“Look at it like a rebirthing”, wise words once said to me,
This helped unlock my outlook to see.
This wasn’t the end of life as I knew it,
But just the beginning so don’t blow it.
You can’t have it all at times this is true,
But I followed my heart because it just knew.
If I wanted to be all that I could be,
And see what potential I really had inside of me.
The bit of me that wasn’t working okay,
I had to let go of and pray.
Acceptance in that moment was for me,
The best feeling of clarity.
Never once have I regretted that day,
When a doctor came to save the day.
The circle of life is a funny old thing,
You never know what it may bring.
But on that day I lost a lot.
But the doctor hit the spot.
A place to nurture that’s what a womb should be,
Now I have a new womb for all to see.
A womb for everyone who needs time and space,
To figure out what the hell is this place.
Finally I get to see a healthy womb
Help others to bloom and bloom.
Written By Sue Allsworth